Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Jane Austen, Lords and Ladies

I'm not very good with introductions, but luckily, I am very good with bullshit. I've read a few books on how to blog and two of the essentials seem to be the ability to attract readers and the ability to bullshit. Hopefully one will lead me to the other.

Basically, I'm an 18 year-old college student at a shit-for-brains community college, with the lofty ambition to be a FAMOUS WRITER. My name's Cresta, I live in Southwest Texas, right near the Gulf of Mexico, and I'm a computer nerd who's a bit obsessed with old-school video games, thus the 16-bit title. I particularly love Legend of Zelda, thus the Legend of Cresta screen name.

This is my blog. I have an LJ and a facebook and a Myspace, but they're kind of craptastic. This will be SRS BIZNUSS. It will be blog posts with reviews and topics and ramblings. And hopefully it will help me become a FAMOUS WRITER. And maybe make me a little cash on the side...

I want a title. I want to be Lady Cresta.

There are a few problems with this.

Firstly, I'm American. They don't have titles in America. Even though it's the land of opportunity, that's pretty much the only opportunity we DON'T really have. Apparently, this is because America's also the land of the free, and titles smell like serfdom. I don't know what serfdom smells like personally, but it probably smells like goats, straw, and raw sewage.

I actually imagine that titles might be good for some Americans. You know the type, the one's always about making money, going crazy for every dollar because a dollar equals power, and you can never have enough power. Maybe if they had a title they'd stop, or at least slow down a little.

I'm not entirely sure, but I'm pretty sure if some of the Enron guys were Lords of Enron, maybe they wouldn't have fucked up so badly. Maybe they would've paused in the middle of their fraud and gone, "Hey, we dont' really need this shit. We're LORDS for Chrissakes, let's blow this joint and go fox-hunting."

Sure, that alternative would be really bad for foxes, but think about the thousands of Americans who would still have their 401k.

But anyway, no titles in America.

Problem no. 2 with wanting to be her Ladyship is the fact that it's not cool to have a title nowadays. Seriously, you tell someone you have a title and it just seems like you're well...Lording it over them.

No, I want a title back when a title got you inside the ridiculously ornate trousers of a hunky British Lord, complete with a mansion, a carriage, a couple of nice horses, and a few thousand pound a year allowance.

I want to be titled so hard I fall into the 19th century. I want a crazy Retro-Jane Austen title.

I know, I know. You think, "But what about the horrible discrimination! You'll never marry someone like Mr. Darcy, and women's lib will never touch your fair skin."

And you're probably entirely right. But still, I can harbor crazy dreams. Anyway, how do you know I won't be some secret writing fierce woman who sometimes dares to wear pantaloons? I'll start my underground 19th-century resistance movement as soon as I get there. Promise.

And I'll probably start a blog there too.

On parchment.


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