Thursday, March 20, 2008

Thoughts on

In today's edition of The Houston Chronicle, there was an article on a new blog called Stuff White People Like.

The article piqued my interest, to say the least.

First off, race has been in the media like CRAZY, because apparently, people suddenly realized, after a few months campaigning, that Barack Obama really was black. Sure, there'd been hints before, what with the Rush Limbaugh "half-rican American" hoopla, but now, really, full Black Awareness (tm) seems to have hit us all, complete with Black Scandals and Crazy Black Preachers and Vaguely Racist Former Vice Presidential Candidates That Not Even Trivial Pursuit Players Remember Shooting Their Mouths Off.

It seems we're two steps away for a race-war, or at the very least, a mud-wrestling contest between Rev. Jesse Jackson and Gloria Steinem, and really, who wants that?

Second off, the article, which gave a general overview of the blog, confused the heck out of me. From what I saw, this blog was one part genuine social commentary, two parts racial comedy, and at least a few parts vague offensiveness.

It's not easy talking about race. You have to walk a fine line. If you're trying to be funny, people have to KNOW you're being funny.

The blog is okay. It's been a little misrepresented by the news article. It's neither as offensive, nor as funny as I was led to believe. The site showcases a very dry wit, so dry in fact, it's like being in the Saharra desert for a few weeks, while all your camels are dying.

The blog also makes a crucial mistake.

It fails to take into account that white people, at least the kind of white people they're lampooning (IE: yuppies), aren't self-aware. They pretend to be self-aware, but in actuality they are a very dull people who take everything at face value, and usually don't realize anything until Oprah talks about it.

This brand of white people also think that they're really, really sensitive to racial matters. Once again, Oprah is to blame. So, if you seem to glorify their white lifestyle, they're bound to get offended.

Also, white people always think that you're insulting them, so when you're actually insulting them, they're going to get a little upset.

And pissed yuppies apparently produce hilarious results.

Yes, the fact of the matter is, the comments on Stuff White People Like are waaaay funnier than any of the posts.

The only thing I learned from the blog, is that under the strict 90+ point test of Whiteness that the site presents, I am not white. I don't know what I'm going to fill out for the 2010 census, but I think I'll put "pink" instead, or rip-off the color label on my blush and stick it on the survey in lieu of an answer.

However, the comments have proven much more informative.

For your reading pleasure, I present to you, my favorite comment. Unedited, unrefined, but pretty damn funny.

"I am a white person, and I’ve noticed something about your blog: it’s not
really “Stuff White People Like”. It’s actually “Stuff Upper-Class White Liberal
Yuppies Like”. Where are all the items about rednecks? Nothing about “Stuff
Trailer-Dwelling Middle School Dropout White People Like”?
1. The Republican Party
2. Country music
4. The Mormons
5. The Methodists
6. Anything on CBS
An Upper Class White Liberal Yuppie"

Ahh, clearly a fan of the profound observationalist comedy of Blue Collar TV.

And really, I think comments are what this website comes down to. Because people are reading it, other people want to post comments on there, and be read. It's some kind of desperate attention-grabbing scheme, perpetuated by the "shocking" comedy of the blog, and the "look-at-me!" attitude of the commenters.

And I only have one thing to say to the commenters themselves:

Get your own fucking blog.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Jane Austen, Lords and Ladies

I'm not very good with introductions, but luckily, I am very good with bullshit. I've read a few books on how to blog and two of the essentials seem to be the ability to attract readers and the ability to bullshit. Hopefully one will lead me to the other.

Basically, I'm an 18 year-old college student at a shit-for-brains community college, with the lofty ambition to be a FAMOUS WRITER. My name's Cresta, I live in Southwest Texas, right near the Gulf of Mexico, and I'm a computer nerd who's a bit obsessed with old-school video games, thus the 16-bit title. I particularly love Legend of Zelda, thus the Legend of Cresta screen name.

This is my blog. I have an LJ and a facebook and a Myspace, but they're kind of craptastic. This will be SRS BIZNUSS. It will be blog posts with reviews and topics and ramblings. And hopefully it will help me become a FAMOUS WRITER. And maybe make me a little cash on the side...

I want a title. I want to be Lady Cresta.

There are a few problems with this.

Firstly, I'm American. They don't have titles in America. Even though it's the land of opportunity, that's pretty much the only opportunity we DON'T really have. Apparently, this is because America's also the land of the free, and titles smell like serfdom. I don't know what serfdom smells like personally, but it probably smells like goats, straw, and raw sewage.

I actually imagine that titles might be good for some Americans. You know the type, the one's always about making money, going crazy for every dollar because a dollar equals power, and you can never have enough power. Maybe if they had a title they'd stop, or at least slow down a little.

I'm not entirely sure, but I'm pretty sure if some of the Enron guys were Lords of Enron, maybe they wouldn't have fucked up so badly. Maybe they would've paused in the middle of their fraud and gone, "Hey, we dont' really need this shit. We're LORDS for Chrissakes, let's blow this joint and go fox-hunting."

Sure, that alternative would be really bad for foxes, but think about the thousands of Americans who would still have their 401k.

But anyway, no titles in America.

Problem no. 2 with wanting to be her Ladyship is the fact that it's not cool to have a title nowadays. Seriously, you tell someone you have a title and it just seems like you're well...Lording it over them.

No, I want a title back when a title got you inside the ridiculously ornate trousers of a hunky British Lord, complete with a mansion, a carriage, a couple of nice horses, and a few thousand pound a year allowance.

I want to be titled so hard I fall into the 19th century. I want a crazy Retro-Jane Austen title.

I know, I know. You think, "But what about the horrible discrimination! You'll never marry someone like Mr. Darcy, and women's lib will never touch your fair skin."

And you're probably entirely right. But still, I can harbor crazy dreams. Anyway, how do you know I won't be some secret writing fierce woman who sometimes dares to wear pantaloons? I'll start my underground 19th-century resistance movement as soon as I get there. Promise.

And I'll probably start a blog there too.

On parchment.